We have developed a quick quiz to see if you have the wherewithal to be a decent human being, or if you are going to be forever known as “that dickbag.” No matter what you may think in that optimistic little heart of yours, as a society we have passed the point of no return―we have become a nation almost overrun by social assholes. These are the kinds of people that, if you weren’t more civilized (and concerned about felonious assault charges), you would teach how to eat their own teeth.
From phrases like “Sorry, not sorry” to “OK, boomer,” society has normalized the confrontational personality. We have done away with manners, common decency, treating others as we would want to be treated and compassion. Instead, we have replaced these with trolling, virtue signaling and being offended by whatever it was that used to bring us joy. But there is always hope; the pendulum could swing back toward normalcy.
Answer these questions truthfully, tally up your score, and then consider how you did. For every correct answer, you get one point.
You are out to dinner with friends and the restaurant is packed. The waitress is slow and you are getting hungry. Do you …
A) … tell the waitress you understand her job is hard, but there is a bigger tip for her if she just keeps those Jack and Cokes flowing?
B) … demand to see the manager and hope to get a discount?
C) … berate the waitress, make her feel bad and then laugh about it with your unemployed friends?
You are attending a wedding for one of your girlfriend’s friends. You don’t really know many people, and you don’t want to be there. Do you …
A) … stand at the open bar, get wasted and hit on the bride’s mom?
B) … stand quietly next to your girlfriend all night, not interacting with anyone, and then tell everybody how shitty your life is on Twitter?
C) … make the most of it, introduce yourself politely, have some drinks and then challenge the best man to a dance off?
You are out on a date. What is the correct ratio for talking about yourself versus asking questions about her and listening to what she says?
A) 80% you to 20% her; you can tell that you are way more interesting than she is, so basically, she needs to hear about it.
B) 50% you to 50% her; keep the balance and see if you can advance the conversation into her apartment.
C) 20% you to 80% her; just gather intel so you can figure out if she is a psycho cat lady.
The boss invites you out to dinner with an important client. How many drinks do you have?
A) Just one or possibly two, but only if the boss orders one first.
B) Go one-for-one with the big guy. Show no weakness.
C) Drink as many as you want. He invited you, and he is buying. That’s called a green light in your world.
Karen from accounting is sending around an office birthday card for a coworker and asks you to sign it. What do you do?
A) Write something witty and hope that all the single ladies in the office pick up on how awesome you are.
B) Just write your name or initials, since Karen sucks and bringing her joy isn’t in your job description.
C) Just eliminate any chance that you will do something stupid and tell Karen your religion doesn’t allow you to celebrate birthdays.
You are at dinner with friends. When is the right time to check your phone?
A) Just leave it on the table, and every time it lights up say, “Sorry, it’s probably work.”
B) Never; leave it in your pocket, stay engaged in the conversation and enjoy a non-digital moment for once.
C) Whenever you want. It’s your phone, and there is a good chance that someone on the internet is talking shit about you.
You just started CrossFit three days ago, and you are excited about it. You are now basically a world-class athlete. When is it acceptable to start recruiting your friends?
Your buddy sends you a text that says, “Hey man, please don’t tell anyone this, but I messed up and cheated on my girlfriend last night.” What do you do?
A) Screenshot the conversation because you never know when you might need it. (His soon-to-be ex is pretty hot, after all.)
B) Immediately tell your mutual friends behind his back so they know not to bring their girlfriends around him.
C) Keep his secret and know that you just upheld the “Bro-Code.”
The 2020 election is coming up fast. How many political memes should you post on your IG feed?
A) None, because honestly, no one cares about your political views.
B) One every day. Whether they like it or not, people need to know where you stand.
C) All of them. You’re a meme-war veteran, and you’ve got an itchy meme finger.
You are at lunch with a few buddies, and the check comes. What do you do?
A) Pick up the tab, call everybody broke dicks and let the world know that you make more money than them.
B) Before the check comes, tell your friends you’ll pick up the tab and let them know that if they want to cover the tip, that would be awesome.
C) Five minutes before the check comes, grab your stomach in feigned agony and rush off to the restroom. Then shoot a text to your boys telling them that the triple-pork nachos have given you explosive diarrhea, and you will link up with them later.
0-3: You are an asshole. Seriously, there is little hope for you.
4-6: You have some stuff to learn. If you don’t change, your friend pool will dry up quickly.
7-8: You are like most people and are generally a nice person, but with a slight hint of douchebag. You might consider a career in politics.
9-10: People really like you, and the world is yours. You are a rare breed, my friend. Just don’t let it go to your head.