Americans are known for many things, a few of those being owning enough guns to fill a swimming pool, being overly patriotic, and finding any way possible to avoid using the metric system. Now besides throwing a pig’s skin around and grilling burgers on the 4th of July, we Americans express our independence and patriotism in many ways.
One of those many ways my fellow Americans and I express ourselves is an activity so dangerously AMERICAN that even a child with a lighter can partake in it. Of course, I’m talking about fireworks, not those little sparklers you give to your kids. No, no, no, no, I’m talking about buying mass-produced IEDs at your local Walmart and setting them off in the middle of your backyard. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to light a firework, but it does take a college graduate from Harvard not to get hit by one. Don’t worry; you won’t have to go back to college. Just use what common sense is floating around in that noggin and continue reading.
Some of you may be asking yourselves, “what grandiose tip are we going to start with?”. Well, sorry to disappoint, as our first step is to simply walk away. That’s right, walking away is the easiest way to avoid getting hit when learning how to shoot off fireworks. Now, who am I kidding? Walking or even running away, for that matter, is quite frankly the most unamerican thing you can do.
So you know what you should do instead. No, what you DO instead. You go out and exercise that god-given freedom of yours. It is the fourth of July, after all. So you go out and buy a bomb suit used in the military to defuse anything from something as serious as a mine or just as serious as an IED. How convenient, right. If you have $10,000 sitting around, then yes, very convenient, but if not, walk away and consider the next step.
So what is step one of using a firework? It is lighting the fuse so the colorful gunpowder can be shot into the air and explode. Some enlightened folk may say, “Just use a long-necked lighter.” I praise you for being observant, but that’s nowhere near patriotic enough for the 4th of July. Now I know some of you aren’t the most prone to moving, but not to worry, I have some news for you.
Not to treat you like children, but whenever any gun fires, it produces a flame known as a “muzzle flash.” Some of the more attentive few of you may have picked on the fact that the muzzle flash is always only ½ to even one hotdog in length, “so why not just use a long neck lighter?”. Quick fact about bullets, once fired (depending on the caliber), they can get hot enough flying through the air to light a fire. Before you shoot at explosives, I am legally obligated to inform you that “You did this out of your own free will, and Skillset magazine is not liable if you miss the fuse.”
Since legal was a buzz kill, I’m obligated to inform you on “real” ways to learn how to shoot off fireworks safely. How many of you have safety mitts? No, don’t raise your hand. I’m just words on a page. You can safely light the firework without even having the slightest of chances at setting your hand a blaze, then move to a safe distance. That works, but it’s boring, unpatriotic, and frankly emasculating. So I have one more question for all of the men reading this, what’s more, manly than a flame thrower? It spits fire at ranges over sixteen to twenty hotdogs in length or twenty to thirty-six hamburgers long. Trust me; you’ll know you’ve hit the target if everything is on fire. Plus, shaving won’t be a hassle as your entire face will feel like it’s on fire.
Knowing you, you won’t blow your hand or even hands-off lighting a firework. But let’s be honest, who am I to tell you how to be American. Just consider these suggestions as you can’t live the American dream if you’re dead. Neither can they pay me if no one reads this article. Just stay safe and light those fireworks any way you want. Personally, I’m still going to stick to lighting my fireworks with my medicinal A-10 warthog, as it’s part of my anger management.