While there are several ways of passing a drug test, the most successful one is to NOT do drugs. But since we are talking to the savages who read this magazine, I can safely assume that you have made a few mistakes in your life that you were not too proud of (or, perhaps, were extremely proud of), but now you might have to suffer the consequences. So, here’s how to pass a drug test!
Most of the time, an employer will never actually go the full distance to test adequately for substance abuse, so it is a good thing for you that the workforce leadership in the corporate setting is often lazy! Most will simply supply you with a piss cup with drug identifier readings on it. Have no fear; this is an easy one to beat, especially if after they hand it to you, they ask you to head to the nearest restroom to take a leak.
Privacy makes this a “shoe in the door” for an opportunity to contaminate the urine. If you know this is the kind of test you will be facing, you can easily add a certain substance into the cup, the smallest amount of which can fit under a fingernail until its ready to deploy. Any oxidant such as bleach or hydrogen peroxide will work. Bing! Bang! Boom! You pass, or at least it will read as inconclusive, which in lazy-ass workforce-space terms means that they won’t make you take it again. Congrats! You got away with it this time!
However, you could face a more invasive drug test―a urinalysis test with a pecker checker. Yep, someone might be sitting there to watch you piss in the cup. This obviously makes it more difficult to foil the test, but nonetheless, it is definitely doable. There’s an item on the market called the “Whizzinator,” which is―you guessed it―a prosthetic penis filled with synthetic urine. This has been proven to work over and over again. But just make sure to color match skin tones for a more realistic look. Let’s face it, very few dudes check out the finer details of another man’s penis. As long as you have even a little space it should be cool. Even if they do sneak a peek, all they will see is the head of a penis.
Another option for beating this type of supervised test that is way more invasive and f*cking hardcore is using a medical-grade catheter on yourself prior to urinating. Commonly referred to as an “oil change” (see the video below), nothing says I really love my career and can’t lose this job from one stupid night on the town like shoving a catheter into your urethra and filling your own bladder with someone else’s clean urine. Holy f*cking hell! Yes, this is a real thing, and it does work!
However, before getting weird with your man parts, there are other options. You can always buy any one of several fancy drink mixes online or at a smoke shop near you. Those bad boys will also cleanse your urine so that it reads as clean or inconclusive. However, you will most likely have explosive shits for two days. (I can vouch for that.) All of the above options are easy to source online, although none of them are a guarantee.
The only other concern that you should have is if your employer does in-house testing or if they use an outside lab. If the testing clinic runs their tests through Beechtree Diagnostics, you’re f*cked. They are one of the most thorough and extensive diagnostics-testing facilities. They also have a robust list of tested substances on their panel. Essentially, they can tell you how many happy pills daddy took on his boys’ night out to his favorite EDM concert. At any rate, if your employer is that serious about drug testing its employees, they probably offer the sort of services that should not be performed by people who use illegal drugs anyway. Honestly, losing your job there just might be for the greater good.
So, that’s how to pass a drug test. Good luck ladies and gents, and pray that your company doesn’t use a more extensive urinalysis test than the old-school piss cup and pH test. If you’re interested to learn more about the “oil change,” the underrated show “Blue Mountain State” did a bit on it years ago. Enjoy!