Unfortunately, there are always people in this world who just can’t go out and have a good time. They become certified tough guys with every shot of Jägermeister and are always looking to ruin your evening. Laying low is always the best solution, but sometimes … violence is the answer.
Do everything you can to avoid a bar fight. Walk away. Try to buy the guy a drink or compliment his ugly girlfriend to avoid confrontation. I know it kills the ego, but it’s cheaper than stitches. If he starts to take off his coat, remember posturing is for peacocks and pretty boys. He’s letting everyone in the room know he wants to throw down. Someone’s either going to jail or to the hospital. If you’re smart, you already called a cab the minute this guy started becoming a dick. If you can’t get outside, and your insincere compliments have failed, remember this: There’s no such thing as a clean fight. Don’t give him any tells that you’re about to beat him down. Fight dirty. To quote the eloquent Clint Eastwood in “The Outlaw Josey Wales”: “Now remember, when things look bad and it looks like you’re not gonna make it, then you gotta get mean. I mean plumb, mad-dog mean. Cause if you lose your head and you give up, then you neither live nor win. That’s just the way it is.”
Headbutt Move closer to imply you care about what he’s complaining about and then tuck your chin. With extreme violence, whip your head and use the crown (that’s the top of your grape) to smash his nose. Follow up with a groin shot and get the hell out of Dodge.
Elbow Smash Get his jaw in line with your elbow by pointing to a crowd across the bar. Tell him that there is a guy over there that was REALLY talking shit. It just takes one second for his eyes to move away so you can smash his nose with your elbow. Hard bone vs. soft cartilage = Win
The Face Palm Put your hand up to your ear and tell the guy to speak louder. Tell him you lost your hearing in the Great Meme War of 2016. When he moves in closer, smash your palm into his jaw bone with incredible force. The standby “family jewels” kick is always a great follow up.
The Hand Shake Extend your hand out and say, “I’m so sorry for the loss of your testicles.” When he looks at you confused, kick his nuts out the back of his skinny jeans. Call the bouncer over and tell him there is a drunk dude getting sick all over the dance floor. Drift away into the shadows.