Look, we all make mistakes. I mean, who knew that prostitute you paid for would end up being a cop dressed in drag? These things happen! But there is no excuse for getting soft and weak while doing a quick stint in the pokey. So, I’m giving you a prison workout with five bombproof exercises that will help you to not end up being someone’s punk bitch. Whether you are housed in a cell block or rolled up in solitary, all you need is some determination and time — five-to-ten, to be exact.
Traditional push-ups are for the weak. You may have to defend yourself in prison, so conditioning your knuckles for impact is a smart move. If you bring your elbows in, you’ll strengthen your triceps. If you go elbows out, you work more of your chest muscles. Level-up and move your hands close together or try a few reps on your fingertips. Mix it up and have fun with it. It’s a prison classic!
Grab a pillowcase and fill it with anything that will add weight. If your gray-bar hotel doesn’t allow pillowcases, then fill a trash bag with water. Now, use your homemade barbell for normal curls (thumb facing outboard) or hammer curls (thumb facing up). These are best done when mean-mugging that snitch across the hall. It’s like you’re figuratively pissing on his leg.
Some joints don’t allow workout equipment in the yard, but that better not stop you from working those lats! If all you have to pull yourself up on is a bunk bed, then lay underneath it, face up and grab wide on both sides of the top bunk. Position your feet on the shitter for balance, keep your body stretched and start pulling up. Before long, you will start filling out those peels (orange prison jumpsuits)!
Well, there is no way around it. You are probably going to end up in this position one way or another, so you might as well get some six-pack abs out of it. Wrap your legs around your cellmate’s waist and have him stand upright. He might have to lean back a bit to counterbalance. Slowly start your sit ups and as you reach your highest point, pause for a count of three and then slowly go back down. Maybe shadow box a bit as you hold up top. That way, any donut punchers who are watching won’t get the wrong idea.
You must have balance in Stoney Lonesome. Being Lou Ferrigno on top and Steve Buscemi on bottom will make you the laughingstock of the main line. Start with both feet shoulder width apart. Lower that ass as far as you can go and then push back up until your legs are extended. Do it right and you will feel those quads burning within minutes! Quick word of advice — never skip leg day … unless you are in the shower.